August 14, 2016

I don't know why it bothers me. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. It's never easy for people who are trying. It's the ones who aren't paying attention that it happens for. The horny teenagers and drunken one night stands. For them it'll be an unwanted consequence of sloppy decision making. A burden. An inconvenience. I spent years looking at them with sympathy - but also judgement. Even as I attempted to console an college friend who had just watched those two little pink lines appear, an indicator of a future no longer secure. I told her everything would be all right. That she had options. But really I was just thinking how much of an idiot she was for fucking around without a condom. That as sorry as I was, I was just as thankful I wasn't her. Ironic in that now I'd do anything to be in those shoes.

I shouldn't worry. It'll happen. It's only been a couple months. The doctor says it can take up to a year before there's any reason to be alarmed. After all, like Nick says we spent over a decade trying not to have kids. It makes sense that it wouldn't happen right away. It's all logical. Supports everything I've researched. It's all way too early to be disappointed. So why come I still feel like I let him down every time I start feeling those familiar cramps in my gut? Like I let us down? I can't help but feel like this might be a little karma. I was the one after all who wasn't ready for a family back when he was. I held us back for years. Now that I want it, what if I can't have it? What if I missed my chance? If starting all that time ago was the right call ? It's the kind of what if, alternate time line shit that keeps me up some nights. Shoulda. Woulda. Coulda - but didn't.

It'll be fine. At least that's what I'm telling myself. Maybe if I write it down it'll work better than repeating it in my head. Besides it's not like things are so bad now. I married my best friend and while everyone told us it would be different once we sealed the deal, they were wrong. I have a different last name and if I'm in a horrible accident and end up on life support he can offically pull the plug. Besides that and a few other minor perks it's all the same good stuff. He's easy to love. We're an easy couple. Whatever the future holds it holds the same thing for the both of us, together. And that has to be enough.